What if… we include trans people AND learn from their experience?

This month’s guest blog comes from Charlie, the founder of the Transgentle website, a resource to educate and support allies to take positive steps and improve trans inclusion using kindness. In the blog he explains how his experience of being a trans person gives him empathy and insight, something he kindly shares with others to educate and support the way they connect with each other.

One of my favourite things about being a visible trans person is holding open conversations with people who are not transgender that not only explain but also challenge the social understanding of gender. Everyone knows the story of trans people being born in the wrong body but it’s not often that people hear about being raised and socialised in the wrong gender.

I like to educate people about the clear differences between how I am treated, by both men and women, now and how I have been treated in the past. Everybody knows the differences in how the genders are treated are there, but it’s very difficult to explain it unless you have lived it.

I like to talk about this because:

• People always seem genuinely interested in learning about the social aspects of this.
• By showing people where I have come from, what it took to get here and who I am now, they don’t see me as a hypothetical statistic but as a person they can identify with and care about.
• Quiet, calm conversation is a great way to show that trans people are not a threat or something to be disliked.
• I can challenge people’s perception of what a trans person looks like by coming out within the context of conversation where I have a unique perspective. I am mindful not to derail the conversation and turn it off topic to just about me being trans.

A perspective that leads to kindness

As a man who was raised as a girl and socially seen as a woman before I transitioned (although I was a tomboy and then considered a “geezer-bird” type of woman), I fully understand the pressures and dangers that come with the female gender. My perspective allows me to use my experiences to act with kindness. For example:

• If I am walking outside at night, I know how unsafe a woman walking slightly ahead of me feels with me behind her. So out of respect and kindness I will cross the road so she doesn’t have to worry that I am following her. I will also be very subtly hyper-vigilant to make sure that she remains safe.
• I have a full understanding of the experience of my own menstrual cycle. Whilst I would never dream of mansplaining periods to women, I can show understanding when needed, and discuss the topic maturely and with a genuine sympathy for the women in my life.
• I’m aware of society’s views on motherhood and the pressure that puts on women; it’s important not to assume all women want to have children. So I always make a point of carefully responding to the news of a woman’s pregnancy without immediately congratulating her unless I am sure that it is a positive situation for her.

I am proud of the way that I make women feel understood, safe and respected around me – a big part of why and how I do it is informed from my experience of life pre-transition.

Positive role models

I like to talk to men about how they can be respectful to women and be a positive role model to boys. I like to hug my male friends hello and goodbye, I do tell them that I love them and I do compliment them when they are looking handsome and stylish. Because they were raised in a different way to me, they are not used to receiving compliments or being encouraged to show gentle emotion so they need to be shown that it is a good and kind thing to do.

I am outspoken about not wanting to be around “lad culture” and why they should clean up after themselves and put the toilet seat down.

I, like lovely potter Keith Brymer-Jones, am usually the first person in the room to get wet eyes when something moves me. I am not ashamed of that, and I am seeing it more from my male friends who know that it’s ok to be vulnerable and talk about their feelings around me without being laughed at.

Tips for inclusive businesses

A few years ago I enjoyed spending most of my first ever chiropractor appointment advising my chiropractor on better ways to be inclusive of transgender people on his company forms (while he made my back make noises like someone throwing a bucket of Lego down a flight of stairs).

A few suggestions for how to make your business trans inclusive:

• When asking gender on forms do not only give male and female as options: include the options male/female/non binary/other or prefer to self-describe. If it is not relevant then you could even add a “prefer not to disclose” box
• Ask what pronouns people would prefer.
• Avoid making assumptions on medically relevant topics based on gender/sex; include all questions and ask people to “complete all sections that apply to you”.
• If a trans person is open with their gender identity and history then allow them to lead the conversation.

An asset to society, communities and businesses

Transgender people have a truly unique life experience and a powerful resilience that is an asset to society, communities, and businesses. We should be celebrated for the knowledge, understanding and lessons we can share. When we are included in society, we have so much to offer.

At the end of the day we just want to live our lives in the same way that people who aren’t trans want to live theirs. As a community we are feeling very unwanted and unsafe these days. As someone who goes out of his way to make other people feel comfortable and cared for, I always appreciate it when a business shows kindness by making me feel welcome and safe accessing their services. I cannot help but smile when I see someone wearing a trans pride or trans ally badge.

Charlie set up the Transgentle website to:
• answer the question “how can I make positive steps to improve trans inclusion using kindness?”
• signpost people to resources for education and understanding of the trans community
• use the Transgentle logo to create a visual, recognisable symbol of trans inclusion and ally support.

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