This month’s guest writer, Sarah Black, introduces us to the fascinating subject of cultural intelligence (CQ) and the way that being mindful of cultures and differences can help us to see kindness so that we communicate and connect more effectively.
In Sheena Iyengar’s TED talk about the art of choosing she describes her attempts to order a green tea with sugar in Japan.
Despite several exchanges with her waiter and the manager, she is told she cannot have green tea with sugar because there is no sugar.
Finally, she changes her order and asks for a cup of coffee, which is served…. with sugar.
You might not be seeing the kindness is this story!
But what if the Japanese staff were trying to spare her the shame and embarrassment of committing what they saw as a huge social error. In Japan, you do not add sugar to your green tea. Also, Japanese culture places importance on face saving or sparing someone embarrassment.
While Sheena was really frustrated about her drink order partly because she comes from a cultural background where the customer is always right, her waiter and their manager may have been trying show kindness to a newcomer to their home.
This story is not about green tea or Japan—it is about how cultural intelligence can help us see more kindness.
What is cultural intelligence?
Cultural Intelligence or CQ is a research based, behavioural framework that helps us work and engage effectively across cultures and differences. It helps us navigate and make sense of different cultures’ values, behaviours, particularly when we are working with people from different national and regional backgrounds.
Building our Cultural Intelligence can help us understand how our own cultural values shape our expectations of kindness, and how different cultural backgrounds might express kindness differently.
For example, a few years ago, I spent time with a wonderful group of women from Bangladesh. They were genuinely distressed that I do not have children (I am not at all distressed about this) and promised to pray for me.
Some people might see that as inappropriate or judgemental. However, having spent time with these women, listening to their stories, I realised that our attitudes towards parenting and motherhood were shaped by very different cultural values. Their intention was kindness, rooted in their cultural values. My work on my own Cultural Intelligence helped me recognise and appreciate their kindness.
Communicating effectively
One of the ways that our cultural differences often show up in our lives is in how we communicate. Cultural Intelligence helps us take a pause before we assume someone who is a very direct communicator is being rude or that someone who has taken a long and interesting route to get to the point is wasting our time. Taking the time to ask whether cultural differences might be a factor helps us see kindness.
Often that direct communicator is being kind by pointing out the flaws in your presentation so bluntly because they value direct communication. Perhaps the person with the long, complicated stories is trying to also show kindness by being gentler with you, because they value indirect communication and avoiding conflict.
Another common example of how culture can shape our different expressions of kindness is how we treat guests in our homes. Offering to help prepare food or to tidy up is seen in some cultures as being kind, particularly if you do the dishes without being asked! In other cultures, the hosts show kindness by refusing help as they want their guest to relax and enjoy themselves.
Similarly, repeatedly offering someone food after they’ve politely declined might be seen as rude or annoying. But in other cultures, it is polite to decline a few times before accepting and we might miss the kindness in this exchange if we aren’t curious and aware of cultural differences.
Finally, in the UK, we often think people who speak up and engage with our conversations, either in person or online, are being kind and supportive. We worry about silence and interpret it as a lack of interest. However, there are some cultures that believe that listening in silence is respectful, particularly if the person speaking holds a more senior position in the organisation or community or is older. So, sometimes kindness is silent!
Working on growing our Cultural Intelligence can help us build our curiosity, confidence and skills for recognizing kindness across cultures and wherever we are in the world.
Sarah Black is the founder of Athru Communications which helps organisations and individuals transform how they communicate across cultures and differences through training and consulting. She is an accredited Cultural Intelligence (CQ) facilitator and trainer. Originally from Northern Ireland, she has called Norway, Texas, and the UK’s Lake District home. She now lives in Aberdeenshire.
To learn more about working with Sarah to improve your Cultural Intelligence, visit www.athrucommunications.com or connect with her on LinkedIn.
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